Blagh.

I'm starting to think that there is a certain organization out there that needs to drop the word 'humane' from their name, considering how crappy they treat some of their employees.

No, I'm not one of their employees. . . and from the sounds of it I'm thankful for that.

Getting offers from websites to advertise on this site is comical at best. Now, most likely it was just spam. Though it didn't stink to the stars in the way normal spam does.

*shrug*

Why do I bring this up? What the hell does this have to do with anything? Ahh the answer to that is because of the content of the website that wished to advertise. A forum site dedicated to the head in the sand stance of everything is a-ok. A hey, stop complaining and look on the bright side of life, "Things are just peachy," the sky isn't really falling circle jerk.

And these fuckers want to advertise here? Maybe for a bit of irony. Who knows.

Of course, things are not all rainbows, lollypops, and unicorns shitting out sunbeams. Someone who looks to be the site admin in the "I'm doing just fine" forums posts a note about reinstalling windows. Expecting a "my computer hard drive failed and I reinstalled windows and now it runs so much faster post, everyone should <3 microsoft" post, I'm laugh out loud at what follows. I diatribe of Firefox, because it somehow magicly gave his computer a virus. His computer that for 12 years (dude...time for an upgrade) has been running virus free. How he knows this for sure is unknown what with him not ever running a anti-virus application.

But yes, Firefox, the failed browser that it is, executed remote code and allowed a virus to install it self on his computer. Right.

. . .

Yeah. I think I'll pass.

They can keep their candy coated hypocrisy to themselves.

I think I'm loosing my mind.

No, really.  This isn't an 'Oh my day is so stressful and got lots of shit going on...' lost my mind... It's a 'I can't remember what day it is, or what I did yesterday...or 5 minutes ago...' lost my mind.

I've had this feeling for a while now.  This feeling that part of my brain shut down, or is in the process of shutting down. 

I've started getting more and more worried about this.  Though my insomnia, bad eating habits (as in I don't eat...I forget.) and the fact I'm stressed about life in general can't possibly be helping.  

I should try and get some work done... though I don't know why, it's already 5:30pm and I've only done 2 things today.  The rest of the time was doing... 

I can't remember.

I've seriously got to get over this... people have delt with worse...

Holy fuck.

I hate myself.

Last a month... pfft.... I knew I wouldn't have the balls to end it. Here...six months later... it's now "on hold"

What kinda of shit is that. I should have just said it's not working out... there's nothing wrong with that. But no. I have to fuck it up... drag it out.

Oh course it's all my fault. I missed a call, which led to her not talking to me, which led to me worrying that she's fed up, which led her to think I didn't want to talk to her... Yes, I should have called. Yes I was wrong. But don't sit on the phone for an hour telling me all the different reasons why and how I was wrong, when you're partly to blame... wtf.

Of course all of this could have been avoided.

I could have gone home.

I could have not danced.

I could have ended it.

No. No I couldn't... that wouldn't be my style... my style is apparently let things drag out in a big ass shit parade.


Oh. And for the icing on this shit parade... an d email from my best friend I've not talked to for a couple months because I'm a dick. The content? Her husband died of cancer...

I've still not responded to her.

Why do I let myself interact with people when I can't give anything back worthwhile...

I'm really starting to get depressed... can't sleep, can't eat... that can't be a good sign.

This is the most open relationship I've been in. It's refreshing.

Liken most thing in my life, this too is a lie. I thought it was, and she may want to be open, but I find I just can't. It's an impossibility. I try, but I keep holding back.

I see myself doing the exact same things...the same fucking things.

I hate myself.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to end this by the end of the month, and become a hermit. I'll go to work and home. Thats it.

The less people who interact with me the better...

Better for them at least. I don't really care about what that might do to me. Can't make it any worse.

What the fuck is my problem.

I don't know.

On the outside no one knows... no one sees how dangerous I am to them. I wish I could have someone warn people to not get emotionally involved with me. Otherwise I'll just fuck it up...

Maybe a witty t-shirt.

Wouldn't work, someone would think I'm trying to be smart...

I wish I could talk to someone. How the hell did I end up without anyone to even talk to about this kind of shit. It's beyond me.

Can someone go so long and so far with out friends, that it becomes impossible to create new ones? Especially ones you trust and like there opinions enough to listen to in cases like this?

I think so.


fuck. now I'm sounding like a whiny emo kid...

How did I sink so low?

So I told them...

both.

That is I told my now previous Significant Other that I wasn't in love anymore. I did not say anything about the other one...

I did tell them both that I seem to have lost something of myself. What does that mean? It means I don't really have a since of identity. People can sit back and state things about themselves... what they like/dislike, their style, what makes them... them.

I can't seem to do that. Not honestly. I can name very few things that are "me"... the rest... the things people see and think are reflections of my being, are things adopted from those around me. The type of food I like, music, style... change based on what I think the person wants to see. While flexibility may be good to some extent, it's only good when there's defined things to be flexible on. Otherwise... who are you. Who would want to be with you, if "you" don't exist.

I told them both that. I don't think my previous S.O. understands. Not surprising.

This new one... I told I wanted time to myself. To get a handle on things. I didn't want to do too much more, in fear I'd fuck it up by letting the same thing happen. We agreed that I'd do that, and afterwards, see what happens.

That lasted a week.

It was a lie I told myself. How can you be alone... take time to yourself to find what you've lost when the whole while you know you're attracted to someone and when you come back they'll be there. It's not the alone part... it's the safety net I have to avoid. I can't let myself fall back on it. I have to stand alone. That doesn't mean I have to pretend to ignore my feelings.

But there are several things I have to be careful about.

It's not easy. Constantly watching what I do to make sure I don't slip back into the same thing. I told her that to. Luckly they understand.

This is the most open relationship I've been in. It's refreshing. There is one thing I've not told her about. I should, and most likely will.

I can only hope that she understands.

I don't have words to describe how I feel.

I think I'm going to be sick, or at the very least pass-out.

And I've not talked to either of them yet.

What do I say?

How do I start?

"I don't feel the same way as I used to and think we should spend time apart." Just out of the blue? I may as well punch her in the nose.

And the other? "As much as I'd like to continue our relationship, I can't be with you, I need to be alone. Maybe sometime later we'll talk. "

What? What the hell does that mean? I broke up with my current girlfriend and even though I slept with you I don't want to go out? I've gone crazy, and if you're interested in going out with a complete loser in a month or two, give me a ring?

There's something else that's been stressing me out lately. It's not work... or even these relationship train wrecks I get myself into.

But I'll leave that for another post.