So I told them...

both.

That is I told my now previous Significant Other that I wasn't in love anymore. I did not say anything about the other one...

I did tell them both that I seem to have lost something of myself. What does that mean? It means I don't really have a since of identity. People can sit back and state things about themselves... what they like/dislike, their style, what makes them... them.

I can't seem to do that. Not honestly. I can name very few things that are "me"... the rest... the things people see and think are reflections of my being, are things adopted from those around me. The type of food I like, music, style... change based on what I think the person wants to see. While flexibility may be good to some extent, it's only good when there's defined things to be flexible on. Otherwise... who are you. Who would want to be with you, if "you" don't exist.

I told them both that. I don't think my previous S.O. understands. Not surprising.

This new one... I told I wanted time to myself. To get a handle on things. I didn't want to do too much more, in fear I'd fuck it up by letting the same thing happen. We agreed that I'd do that, and afterwards, see what happens.

That lasted a week.

It was a lie I told myself. How can you be alone... take time to yourself to find what you've lost when the whole while you know you're attracted to someone and when you come back they'll be there. It's not the alone part... it's the safety net I have to avoid. I can't let myself fall back on it. I have to stand alone. That doesn't mean I have to pretend to ignore my feelings.

But there are several things I have to be careful about.

It's not easy. Constantly watching what I do to make sure I don't slip back into the same thing. I told her that to. Luckly they understand.

This is the most open relationship I've been in. It's refreshing. There is one thing I've not told her about. I should, and most likely will.

I can only hope that she understands.

I don't have words to describe how I feel.

I think I'm going to be sick, or at the very least pass-out.

And I've not talked to either of them yet.

What do I say?

How do I start?

"I don't feel the same way as I used to and think we should spend time apart." Just out of the blue? I may as well punch her in the nose.

And the other? "As much as I'd like to continue our relationship, I can't be with you, I need to be alone. Maybe sometime later we'll talk. "

What? What the hell does that mean? I broke up with my current girlfriend and even though I slept with you I don't want to go out? I've gone crazy, and if you're interested in going out with a complete loser in a month or two, give me a ring?

There's something else that's been stressing me out lately. It's not work... or even these relationship train wrecks I get myself into.

But I'll leave that for another post.

I slept with a co-worker Friday. I lied to the person I'm with. This isn't the first time.

Unless I do something, it won't be the last.

I'm pretty sure I've no idea what "love" in the mainstream sense of the word actually is. I can't comprehend it. I see my friends falling in love, getting married, being happy. I've no real concept of what thats like.

I talked to a close friend of mine (yet another co-worker I've slept with) they suggested that I need to be with someone who challenges me. No in the Jeopardy trivia kinda of way. But someone that I wouldn't get lazy around. Someone that wouldn't appreciate the fact that I'm up at 3:29am messing about on the computer, instead of sleeping with them. While this may help, I can't help but wonder, could I find someone like that? Is that what the people I know who get married, or are in happy relationships do?

They also thought that perhaps I'm trying to compensate for not having a...well any... relationship with my family. Like I need something stable in my life no matter what kinda of thing. Thus I choose to be in relationships that will be here no matter what I do.

I don't know.

I've never had a good relationship with my family, so I don't have anything to compare it to. And I'll be damned if I'm going to try and strike up a chummy relationship with those idiots. I can hardly stand the once a year phone call I have to make in order to keep them from driving from the mid-west unannounced and showing up on my door step.

I had a different thought as to why this all is...

I am an Asshole.

I'm one of those jackasses that a woman's friends tell her to stay away because she'll only get hurt, but through booze and sweet talking, she doesn't, thus setting herself up to be hurt. I feel like I should take out a full page add in the local paper warning women to stay away. Or at the very least remember to tell them right off the bat that I'm only here for the sex.

Unfortunately a lot of women aren't honest with themselves and won't admit that sometimes that's all they really wanted. Thus saying it's only superficial would get shot down every time. Even if it's more honest.

It has occurred to me that it is possible that there are no women out there that would be happy with just a nice shag every now and then. Perhaps that's purely a guys train of thought.

Specifically the train of thought of a guy who is an Asshole.

Where does this leave me? The same place I started. Sitting up at 3:44am writing in an anonymous blog about the ugly reality which is my life.