So I told them...

both.

That is I told my now previous Significant Other that I wasn't in love anymore. I did not say anything about the other one...

I did tell them both that I seem to have lost something of myself. What does that mean? It means I don't really have a since of identity. People can sit back and state things about themselves... what they like/dislike, their style, what makes them... them.

I can't seem to do that. Not honestly. I can name very few things that are "me"... the rest... the things people see and think are reflections of my being, are things adopted from those around me. The type of food I like, music, style... change based on what I think the person wants to see. While flexibility may be good to some extent, it's only good when there's defined things to be flexible on. Otherwise... who are you. Who would want to be with you, if "you" don't exist.

I told them both that. I don't think my previous S.O. understands. Not surprising.

This new one... I told I wanted time to myself. To get a handle on things. I didn't want to do too much more, in fear I'd fuck it up by letting the same thing happen. We agreed that I'd do that, and afterwards, see what happens.

That lasted a week.

It was a lie I told myself. How can you be alone... take time to yourself to find what you've lost when the whole while you know you're attracted to someone and when you come back they'll be there. It's not the alone part... it's the safety net I have to avoid. I can't let myself fall back on it. I have to stand alone. That doesn't mean I have to pretend to ignore my feelings.

But there are several things I have to be careful about.

It's not easy. Constantly watching what I do to make sure I don't slip back into the same thing. I told her that to. Luckly they understand.

This is the most open relationship I've been in. It's refreshing. There is one thing I've not told her about. I should, and most likely will.

I can only hope that she understands.