I slept with a co-worker Friday. I lied to the person I'm with. This isn't the first time.

Unless I do something, it won't be the last.

I'm pretty sure I've no idea what "love" in the mainstream sense of the word actually is. I can't comprehend it. I see my friends falling in love, getting married, being happy. I've no real concept of what thats like.

I talked to a close friend of mine (yet another co-worker I've slept with) they suggested that I need to be with someone who challenges me. No in the Jeopardy trivia kinda of way. But someone that I wouldn't get lazy around. Someone that wouldn't appreciate the fact that I'm up at 3:29am messing about on the computer, instead of sleeping with them. While this may help, I can't help but wonder, could I find someone like that? Is that what the people I know who get married, or are in happy relationships do?

They also thought that perhaps I'm trying to compensate for not having a...well any... relationship with my family. Like I need something stable in my life no matter what kinda of thing. Thus I choose to be in relationships that will be here no matter what I do.

I don't know.

I've never had a good relationship with my family, so I don't have anything to compare it to. And I'll be damned if I'm going to try and strike up a chummy relationship with those idiots. I can hardly stand the once a year phone call I have to make in order to keep them from driving from the mid-west unannounced and showing up on my door step.

I had a different thought as to why this all is...

I am an Asshole.

I'm one of those jackasses that a woman's friends tell her to stay away because she'll only get hurt, but through booze and sweet talking, she doesn't, thus setting herself up to be hurt. I feel like I should take out a full page add in the local paper warning women to stay away. Or at the very least remember to tell them right off the bat that I'm only here for the sex.

Unfortunately a lot of women aren't honest with themselves and won't admit that sometimes that's all they really wanted. Thus saying it's only superficial would get shot down every time. Even if it's more honest.

It has occurred to me that it is possible that there are no women out there that would be happy with just a nice shag every now and then. Perhaps that's purely a guys train of thought.

Specifically the train of thought of a guy who is an Asshole.

Where does this leave me? The same place I started. Sitting up at 3:44am writing in an anonymous blog about the ugly reality which is my life.