So I told them...

both.

That is I told my now previous Significant Other that I wasn't in love anymore. I did not say anything about the other one...

I did tell them both that I seem to have lost something of myself. What does that mean? It means I don't really have a since of identity. People can sit back and state things about themselves... what they like/dislike, their style, what makes them... them.

I can't seem to do that. Not honestly. I can name very few things that are "me"... the rest... the things people see and think are reflections of my being, are things adopted from those around me. The type of food I like, music, style... change based on what I think the person wants to see. While flexibility may be good to some extent, it's only good when there's defined things to be flexible on. Otherwise... who are you. Who would want to be with you, if "you" don't exist.

I told them both that. I don't think my previous S.O. understands. Not surprising.

This new one... I told I wanted time to myself. To get a handle on things. I didn't want to do too much more, in fear I'd fuck it up by letting the same thing happen. We agreed that I'd do that, and afterwards, see what happens.

That lasted a week.

It was a lie I told myself. How can you be alone... take time to yourself to find what you've lost when the whole while you know you're attracted to someone and when you come back they'll be there. It's not the alone part... it's the safety net I have to avoid. I can't let myself fall back on it. I have to stand alone. That doesn't mean I have to pretend to ignore my feelings.

But there are several things I have to be careful about.

It's not easy. Constantly watching what I do to make sure I don't slip back into the same thing. I told her that to. Luckly they understand.

This is the most open relationship I've been in. It's refreshing. There is one thing I've not told her about. I should, and most likely will.

I can only hope that she understands.

I don't have words to describe how I feel.

I think I'm going to be sick, or at the very least pass-out.

And I've not talked to either of them yet.

What do I say?

How do I start?

"I don't feel the same way as I used to and think we should spend time apart." Just out of the blue? I may as well punch her in the nose.

And the other? "As much as I'd like to continue our relationship, I can't be with you, I need to be alone. Maybe sometime later we'll talk. "

What? What the hell does that mean? I broke up with my current girlfriend and even though I slept with you I don't want to go out? I've gone crazy, and if you're interested in going out with a complete loser in a month or two, give me a ring?

There's something else that's been stressing me out lately. It's not work... or even these relationship train wrecks I get myself into.

But I'll leave that for another post.

I slept with a co-worker Friday. I lied to the person I'm with. This isn't the first time.

Unless I do something, it won't be the last.

I'm pretty sure I've no idea what "love" in the mainstream sense of the word actually is. I can't comprehend it. I see my friends falling in love, getting married, being happy. I've no real concept of what thats like.

I talked to a close friend of mine (yet another co-worker I've slept with) they suggested that I need to be with someone who challenges me. No in the Jeopardy trivia kinda of way. But someone that I wouldn't get lazy around. Someone that wouldn't appreciate the fact that I'm up at 3:29am messing about on the computer, instead of sleeping with them. While this may help, I can't help but wonder, could I find someone like that? Is that what the people I know who get married, or are in happy relationships do?

They also thought that perhaps I'm trying to compensate for not having a...well any... relationship with my family. Like I need something stable in my life no matter what kinda of thing. Thus I choose to be in relationships that will be here no matter what I do.

I don't know.

I've never had a good relationship with my family, so I don't have anything to compare it to. And I'll be damned if I'm going to try and strike up a chummy relationship with those idiots. I can hardly stand the once a year phone call I have to make in order to keep them from driving from the mid-west unannounced and showing up on my door step.

I had a different thought as to why this all is...

I am an Asshole.

I'm one of those jackasses that a woman's friends tell her to stay away because she'll only get hurt, but through booze and sweet talking, she doesn't, thus setting herself up to be hurt. I feel like I should take out a full page add in the local paper warning women to stay away. Or at the very least remember to tell them right off the bat that I'm only here for the sex.

Unfortunately a lot of women aren't honest with themselves and won't admit that sometimes that's all they really wanted. Thus saying it's only superficial would get shot down every time. Even if it's more honest.

It has occurred to me that it is possible that there are no women out there that would be happy with just a nice shag every now and then. Perhaps that's purely a guys train of thought.

Specifically the train of thought of a guy who is an Asshole.

Where does this leave me? The same place I started. Sitting up at 3:44am writing in an anonymous blog about the ugly reality which is my life.

So, I just wasted almost $800 dollars. Why did I waste so much money? Because I was an idiot and listened to the people around me. I listened to them tell me I should go visit my 'family' during a family reunion.

Never again will I make that mistake. The next time I see any of my 'family' members someone had better be dead.

I skip out of a friend's wedding, to spend the day with the 'family' in a very large, very hot state some 1300+ miles away. And what do I get for my trouble? Yelled at for going back home so soon, a sunburn, ignored for 4+hours, yelled at again for going back home so soon, ignored for another 4+hours...

Never again will I make this mistake...

I'm hugely confused. It's not that I dislike the person I'm with, just a lot of what she does.

Am I being petty?
Am I just looking for an way out because I'm bored?
Is there anything wrong with getting bored and wanting out?
Am getting interested in other people because I'm bored, or am I bored because I've started getting interested in other people?

I don't know how to answer these questions.

I do know action needs to be taken...in some form or another.

I think I approach relationships wrong...

what the well is wrong with me? Really. I can't think straight with this going on.

I want to just tell myself to shut the fuck up and deal with it but I can't... I can't let it go. I can’t stop thinking about it.

So drinks last night were interesting. Went out to Ozio with a coworker and her friends. Including the one who's laptop I fixed. As the night progressed they called in some more people, one of which was someone that my coworker's friend likes. He was in sales, and was kinda... well... this was the first time I've seen... so I will reserve my public opinion about him. After he left she asked what I was thinking.

Hey... she asked...

Well, I was going to say that... I didn't know him that well, so I couldn't make any reports, other than he's hawt... and that, based on our earlier conversation, if he is interested then he needs to make a bit of effort too and that he shouldn't expect girls to just fight over him. Or something along those lines.

But no. My coworker stops me, because she feels she 'knows' me and that I was going to say something that would embarase me and her friend... like I was suddenly going to express my undying love for her or something. Now, she's baseing this on a drunken conversation we had along with my...welll... technicaly... my employee. We were all hammered, someone had already asked the CEO what his "Score" face looks like. So as you can see the "appropriate" barrior was long blown away. My employee was talking about how unattractive she was and the like, and I pointed out that I thought she was dangerously beautiful. (which she is) This is something I felt she needed to hear... She could take it... She new I was as hammered as she was.

Now. Even hammered I have a supprisingly clear head. I said that because I didn't care about what she thought of me, we both know that nothing could ever happen between us, we've both talking about inappropriate things before, so there was nothing to loose really. I could say it because there would not ever really be anything. Would I sleep with her if she wanted to? HELL YES. But is that a likely thing to happen... unfortunatly... hell no.

The key point here is that, if it doesn't matter, I'll happily make a fool of myself.

Now... when it matters. That's a different story. If there is 'real' interest on my part I would never say something so forward. It doesn't matter if there's realistic chance in hell that something could happen, just that if there could. So I'd not say anything that would 'give up the game' until I was in the position to say something. In my current situation I'm not... and any thing I said would either ruin all chances of any kind of relationship, or create the wrong kind of relationship... that is to say not they kind of relationship I want.

This bothers me a bit. There's a part of me that feels that we should be free and open to love and sexual relationships... But there's another part of me willing to play by society's rules. Or more specificly willing to play by the rules I think the person I'm attracted to plays by.

So, I'm going to have a little talk with my coworker... and maybe explain this so she isn't trying to keep me from talking.

So now... There's two women I'm interested, the thing that really bothers me is that, they are both considerably younger than I am (Ok... so not considerablly... but they are about 5 to 8 years younger than I am) and that I seem to get distracted by women -alot- recently. I see someone attractive and from some reason think that maybe I should see what happens with that person. I don't know them. They could be complete bitches... but damn if I'm not going to wish I could find out.

And what of the one I'm with right now? What the hell happened over the past five years... have the previous ones been mostly my fault too? (I doub't it... but makes you wonder) I think the biggest problem with the one right now is that, well she's not 'grown up.' Now I'm not talking grown up, be a stick in the mud, put the toys away, get a real job way. But in a grown up, I can take care of myself, I don't leave filth in the kitchen sink for three weeks, my bedroom isn't a big pile of dirty clothes, I don't have to get money from by boyfriend to cover my overdrafted checking acount, even though I don't pay any bills kind of way.

It's been this way for a long time... and I allowed it to happen. She's becoming more and more like her parents in the lack of cleaning up, and more and more like my mother in here immaturity with things when I bring them up. It's like I'm repremanding a 12 year old. How did I let this happen. Have I been just that disconnected with my own life that I was just on cruise control? I think so. I think thats what has happened. I've just let it go.

From some reason though.... I've come to the realization that I don't exist. I mean I do, but 'I' don't exist, I've nothing that I can really call my own, I don't have my own friends, I don't have my own 'style', I don't have my own life. This has caused me to start thinking about life. About what and who I am. I've no idea, but I know I'm not currently me. I know this has been noticed. Not sure what will come of it. But I can't go back into the social coma that I've been in for longer than I can remember.

I'm going to try and talk with her, try and sort things out, try and get her to clean up after herself. I keep thinking thats petty stuff... but -no- it's not. This is a basic life skill she fails at. I'm not perfectionist... I leave a mess every now and then, but I don't have to throw kitchen utincils out because of how disgusting they are.

Part of me though... doesn't want to deal with it... another part I think just wants something different, something new.

I still think maybe... I just can't 'love' the way others do. Or maybe it's just that I haven't found the person I love.

Of course how can I know who that person is, unless I know myself?

*sigh*

Welcome to my ugly reality...

This is it...

Exciting isn't it.